Halfway through my worst 8th period of the year-- in which no learning and much disrespecting occurred-- a student asked, "Miss, why did you become a teacher? You could be doing something so much better with your life."

A bad day.

Loss

Yes, yes. I know. It's been ages since I posted last. Sorry! It's been a hectic and crazy last few weeks. So, update....

Last time I wrote I was on the bus heading to DC for the Regional ultimate frisbee tournament. Unfortunately, my team lost in the games to go to Nationals and I arrived back in New York at about 3 am after a crazy 8.5 hours of travel.

With about 3 hours of sleep, last Monday morning at about 7:15 am, a teacher in my department told me one of the senior students had died in her sleep on Saturday night. I could not believe it. We later learned that the student, J, had a degenerative heart condition and had a heart attack. The faculty met in the library during first period to discuss how to bear the news to students (even though most students already knew through Facebook. In fact, that is how the principal found out as well.).

J was known by all students. She was a lively young lady who had a lot of character. I met her last year because I covered a junior English class about 3 days each week after their teacher, Ms. C, died of cancer. It was a weird time for her students. For many of them, losing her was their first experience with death. She was not just their teacher though. She was their cheerleader, their advocate, their confidante, their mentor, their coach. She pushed them to excel daily and grow as individuals.

I have a vivid memory of that 5th period English class soon after Ms. C passed away. We were reading the Great Gatsby, but none of the students seemed to care (not even the best). They were distracted, grieving, and taking it out on me. So, I sat down, did not fight them, and told them we'd continue when they were ready. All class, J pushed my buttons. She refused to take the quiz. She went to the bathroom even after I gave her two options-- to take the quiz and then go, or not go at all. With about 5 minutes left in an entirely unproductive class, J took out a poem she wrote about Ms. C and began reading it to her friend, D. I listened intently as I was completely drawn in by her words. By the end of her poem, I realized tears were sliding down my cheeks. It was beautiful. I now understood why J treated me so poorly. I was not Ms. C. I could not replace her (even though I was not trying to). All she wanted was her teacher back, a woman who became more like a mother to her. I left class that day feeling somewhat helpless but closer to those students than ever before.

That same Monday morning, the administration broke the news of our guidance counselor's husband'd death to the faculty. More devastating news. He left the house to go pick up some groceries and never came home. We were told he had been murdered. I work closely with Ms. R and the Friday before was laughing with her about some of our students. I couldn't believe it. The staff couldn't believe it.

Our students couldn't believe it.

Losing J and seeing my students deal with her death sent me straight back to high school during times when I experienced the deaths of loved ones and senseless loss of peers and a friend. It was debilitating. I couldn't focus, lost motivation, found myself doing anything to be distracted from the sadness that lingered in my thoughts.

Even as I reflect on my own reaction to death in high school, I still have no idea how to help my students. I've reached out to students who I know are struggling, but I still feel helpless. I know that I can only be there for them to listen when they need.

Many of my students are now forced to grapple with death-- with the help of friends, but more profound, in their own ways. This loss will send those who knew and loved J on a painful yet necessary and enlightening journey which will force them to examine what truly matters in life, who they are and who they wish to become.

October... Already?

I am currently on the Bolt Bus heading to Washington, DC. My ultimate Frisbee team is competing in the Regional tournament this weekend in Upperville, Va. so I'll be staying with some teammates in DC.

School has been pretty hectic. My classes finally stopped shifting around though, and my rosters appear to be set for the rest of the semester, at least. My 10th graders seem to love Raisin, which makes me so happy. I just gave my first quiz, and my kids seem to know their stuff. They listen! Yes! I am glad I started off the year with the play because my students LOVE to read it out loud. Even though many of them are reluctant readers and struggle with inflexion, many of them are really trying to portray the characters' emotions as they read. It's exciting. One student in particular, Tiara, is a phenomenal Mama. Her classmates love when she reads, and I have to say I do too!

My self contained class is going to be a constant struggle for me. I am still figuring out how to modify my lessons to fit their individual needs. My school is WAY out of compliance in special ed. (hmm perhaps that is why I have never seen a SINGLE IEP for ANY of my students????). Go figure. We watched The Village (I know, not a great film) last week. I am trying to get them thinking about the major themes of The Crucible--hysteria, and also the role panic and fear play in tearing a part a community. My AP looked for modified versions of the text, but none seem to exsist. So, I ventured down to Barnes and Noble and purchased the Spark Notes for the play so we can read summaries after reading each scene. I am still determining what I want them to read and what we will just skip. I'm going to show the opening scene of the Daniel Day Lewis and Winona Ryder version, which is incredibly dramatic next week, so I am hoping that will engage them. (Winona Ryder as Abigail is unbelievable. So creepy and evil!)

My professional duty this year is to work closely with my students' guidance counselor-- calling parents, meeting with students, and other outreach type tasks. I went up to her office 4th period, but she was not there. My AP then shared some tragic and disturbing news. Apparently, last June, the counselor's husband went out to the store to grab some groceries. He never came home and had been missing all summer. Police found his body last night-- he had been murdered. I couldn't really believe what I was hearing. Only yesterday were we laughing and smiling with the two students we were meeting with. It's unbelievable.

On a more uplifting note... One of my 10th grade students from last year-- we'll call her E-- transfered to a different high school. Her mother forced her to change schools, because she thought my school "was turning her gay." (She had a girlfriend at the school.) Outrageous, I know. Her mother essentially neglected her, so I reached out to E to listen and give her my full support during a difficult time in her life. I hadn't heard from E until her girlfriend and friend stopped me in the hall last week. Both of them said E wanted to relay a message to me.... "Thank you, Ms. Brady, for your support and everything you did for me last year. I'll email soon." A few simple words. But they meant so much to me and made my day. If I can make even the smallest difference in one student's life, I will feel like my job here is meaningful.

I hope to post more soon. Until then, thanks for reading.